The Eternal Butterfly

Me giving my Candidacy Talk in April Ice cream hangout  So, about this PhD I'm doing. The last couple of (school) years have been TRYING! Hence the unintentional hiatus. If you have read any of my previous blog posts about grad school, you probably remember that I have struggled with exams. Well, in the first semester of my second year, I went through a psychological evaluation and received a diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder, which can manifest as performance-based anxiety. With this diagnosis, I was able to get exam accommodations that included extended time on tests and a distraction-reduced environment. It honestly felt good to know that my anxiety was not just something I made up but a real thing I experience. I wish I could say that the accommodations solved all my exam problems (lol), but I still struggled in some cases. I did, however, come across a professor in a course who understood my plight and allowed me to take an oral exam alongside a written one. Her compassion ...

Exercise is how I take care of my body. From birth, we are measured by a scale. It wasn't until last year that I realized that when I go to the doctor I could choose to get on the scale with my back facing the display. I started doing this to eliminate the power  the scale has had over me.  Back in 2020 when I went to my primary care doctor, I was told to try to lose ten pounds by my next visit. It was the first time I was told to something like that.  The one thing in my bathroom I avoid using. I didn't realize how much that affected me until recently in a therapy session.  The doctor from 2020 told me to take walks, for a half hour a few days a week, to help lose the weight . So, I did just that. I took walks multiple times a week outside in the middle of the summer in North Carolina. The number on the scale didn't change much over the next few months.  By 2021, I figured I would adjust my diet. I tried plant-based eating for about 3 months, with a seafood or...

I'm back y'all. After such a long hiatus, I have pondered long and hard about what to talk about. So much has happened since my last post . I moved across the country (again), loc'd my hair, started the #JourneytoDrJ as a PhD student at Washington University in St. Louis, fell in love. SO MUCH! I decided to tell you about the first year of my #JourneytoDrJ.  Me, joyful, at the beginning of fall semester totally unaware of what chaos would ensue The journey began in August. I was bright-eyed and bushy tailed on the first day of classes and it might've lasted throughout the first week. After I realized that I didn't know anything, I wondered what the hell I signed myself up for. It was not lost on me that I was the only Black woman in my cohort and that my journey would look very different from that of my cohort members. For a while, I pushed that notion aside and hyped myself up because ya girl has a WHOLE master's degree in applied math. But that wasn't enou...

Long time no talk! A lot has happened in the last few months. Let's see, where should I start? Well, I recently graduated from THE ILLUSTRIOUS NORTH CAROLINA AGRICULTURAL & TECHNICAL STATE UNIVERSITY with a Master of Science in Applied Mathematics. I've included a few pictures from my special day below.  Can't leave A&T without a pic on the stairs It's giving model   Please know I'm holding up the A&T sign

I failed my comprehensive exam in October.  For those who don't know what that means, it means that I failed a major requirement needed to graduate. I studied for six weeks for several hours. I reached out to my previous and current professors asking for insight on what topics would be covered to narrow down the focus of my studies. By the 5th week, I was TIRED of studying. At this point, my focus was nonexistent and some professors had finally decided to provide information about the content I would be tested on.  I spent some time in the early weeks researching what other university graduate programs were doing about their comprehensive exams in this global pandemic and came across a handful of schools who had adjusted their curriculum to (hopefully) lighten the academic load of their students. A classmate and I did our best to share this information with the chair of our department, but it went nowhere. When asked about adjusting the curriculum in regards to comprehensive e...

I really do wish grandparents could live forever.  In April 2016 I lost my Papa to cancer. This was just over a year after losing his daughter, my aunt. Now, I'm writing this just a few days after what would have been his 75th birthday.  I remember the day my Granny called me to tell me about his diagnosis and how he was choosing to go without treatment. My heart broke, my eyes watered, my voice cracked but I listened and understood. I don't remember everything my Granny said to me during that phone call, but the jest was that my Papa was going to die soon.  Over the years leading up to his diagnosis, my Papa had experienced several health issues and he was diabetic. He didn't like hospitals very much and I didn't really blame him. I understood why he wanted to enjoy whatever time he had left at home with my Granny. This experience I had with grief is quite different from the previous ones I've written about because unlike the others, I could see it coming. In my mi...

*cue Stevie Wonder's Happy Birthday * On August 12, 2019, my first blog post went live. After years of doubting myself and my abilities, I finally started this blog. Wow, it's really been a WHOLE year and some change. For years I wanted to start a blog but I doubted my writing abilities and even wondered who would even want to ready anything I wrote. Well here I am a year later, still writing about my life's lessons and blessings, and random experiences that need  to be shared.  I started this blog because I enjoy writing. Writing is one of the very first coping skills I developed as a child. I have many a journals that served as a safe space for my thoughts. Whether it was about my day, something I was dealing with in life, or some knuckle headed boy I was deep in like with, I always turned to writing. *cue Moesha  diary writing music* At some point in my life, writing felt like all I had. For years my writing consisted of feeling alone and being broken-hearted. At some ...

In a post from Harvard Business Review, imposter syndrome is defined as "a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success." It also says " 'Imposters' suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence." Imposter syndrome is something that I have been dealing with this summer (if I'm keeping it 💯I've probably been dealing with it since my higher education career began) during my internship. This was my first ever internship and my first research experience. I didn't have all the courses or even any experience in the topic of my research, but somehow I was still selected for this opportunity. Leading up to it, my anxiety around starting my internship was heightened because instead of working on site, I was now working from home. I had thoughts like the following: What if they don't think I'm smart enough?  What if the...

Menstruation - also known as a period, is a normal vaginal bleeding as part of the monthly cycle for people with vaginas. Every month the body prepares for pregnancy and if it doesn't occur, the uterus sheds its lining. Menstrual blood is partly blood and tissue from inside the uterus.  Let's pull over for a moment. I just need to say that being a vagina owner is a scam for the simple fact that bleeding for several days once a month is the result of not getting impregnated. Carry on.  Disclaimer: If you don't like to talk about periods, menstruation, or anything of the like, I suggest you stop reading here and grow up.  Model 1 DivaCup, bag, and booklet So a few months ago I decided that I wanted to try out a menstrual cup during my period. Well, I finally put my fear aside and purchased a DivaCup last month and tried it during my most recent period. For reference, the DivaCup comes in 3 models based on age and the size of one's flow. To prepare myself for using the Div...

Breonna Taylor  Kathryn Johnston Korryn Gaines  Atatiana "Tay" Jefferson Tanisha Anderson Michelle Cusseaux Charleena Lyles Pearlie Golden Kayla Moore Duanna Johnson India Kager Aiyana Stanley-Jones Rekia Boyd Shelly Frey Eleanor Bumpus Mya Hall Miriam Carey Sandra Bland Natasha McKenna Kyam Livingston These are just a few of the women who have died at the hands of the police. If you want to know their stories check out their website below: #SAYHERNAME :  https://aapf.org/sayhername Let me preface this with a few things. I'm a Black woman and I'm enraged with everything going on in the world. Even more so with those of you reading this who are complicit in the oppression of Black women. So if you read this and have a problem with what I'm saying, please know I don't care and 👇🏾 The past few weeks have been heavy for me as a Black woman. I attended my first protest and witnessed tear gas being thrown at protesters. I assisted in rinsing people's ey...

Long time, no talk. It has been an interesting last few months. I have officially finished my first year of my graduate program, which means I'm halfway through! Let me tell you, it was difficult before Corona LaShay DaVirus showed up, but she sure made it even more challenging. But I overcame! With the pandemic in full swing, NCA&T moved the semester online like most universities. I had mixed feelings about the transition, but I tried to keep an open mind about it. My mixed feelings came from the fact that I was already lacking the motivation for school itself, so having to maintain what little motivation I had while being restricted to my apartment was going to be even more challenging. To be completely honest, very little homework got completed at home prior to the pandemic. Most of my homework would be completed on campus. As mentioned in the previous blog post, I was on campus for seven days a week for the first half of the semester. So I had to reevaluate what I n...

School is back in session! I came into this semester with my head held high and ready to do the work. the Then I started reading the syllabi, textbooks, and getting homework and got the reality knocked into me. But to be honest, this semester has been MUCH better than last semester for a number of reasons. I (may) have found my people. I am taking 3 classes on Monday and Wednesday from 4pm until 7:55pm. Now you may be wondering why I didn't just say 8pm, but we'll get back to that in a few. I also have class on Tuesday, which is a 50-minute problem session related to the proof course I'm taking.  Now let's get into these people whom I've been drawn to and vice versa. The proof class I'm taking is HARD y'all. To put it in perspective how hard this class is, there was eight of us to start, and now there's five. Our professor, a Black woman (side note: this the first Black woman I've had teach me math since my sophomore year of high school...