Grad School - Failure Reimagined
I failed my comprehensive exam in October.
For those who don't know what that means, it means that I failed a major requirement needed to graduate. I studied for six weeks for several hours. I reached out to my previous and current professors asking for insight on what topics would be covered to narrow down the focus of my studies. By the 5th week, I was TIRED of studying. At this point, my focus was nonexistent and some professors had finally decided to provide information about the content I would be tested on.
I spent some time in the early weeks researching what other university graduate programs were doing about their comprehensive exams in this global pandemic and came across a handful of schools who had adjusted their curriculum to (hopefully) lighten the academic load of their students. A classmate and I did our best to share this information with the chair of our department, but it went nowhere. When asked about adjusting the curriculum in regards to comprehensive exams, the administration stated that eliminating them would take away from the rigor of the program. 🙄
I gave up on trying to get faculty to see why it was necessary to consider why a change like this during a pandemic. It really baffles me that it's really business as usual in academia. My workload isn't really the slightest bit lighter, like sure I have two classes that were light, but I have another class that might as well be 2 courses with the amount of homework + busywork this professor has us doing.
Anyways, back to failure. I failed my exam. I knew I would fail my exam. I always know. As much as I studied, I knew it wouldn't go well the first time around. All of my courses are online this semester so I took this exam, at home with my tablet set up with Zoom so my desk could be seen along with being on my laptop using lockdown browser with the camera on to take the exam. There were three of us taking the exam together which was set to start at 1pm on a Friday afternoon, so if an exam is set to start at 1pm, shouldn't we be on Zoom before then to get set up and such? Nah, that wasn't the way it was organized. I had started taking the exam and the proctor & department chair was trying to get my classmates set up so there was a lot of chatter. I don't know about you all but, I need silence while taking an exam. By the end of the 4 hour exam, I was frustrated and ready to call it a day. Ten days later I was informed that I had not passed and I was devastated. I gave myself the day to feel all the emotions. I reached out to my community on Twitter for tips on effective study techniques for a big exam. I was met with compassion, tips and even a Zoom session with a complete stranger who really poured into me with tips, affirmations and just good energy overall.
The next day, I regrouped and made my study plan and studied daily for the next twenty some odd days. I reached out to my professors to make sure the content of the exam would be the same. One of my professors reached out to me and my classmate and went over things we missed on the first exam and gave us tips on what to focus on for the retake. I contacted the department chair and voiced my frustrations with the first exam and made requests for changes to be made during the retake and he obliged.
Now that the semester has come to an end, I can reflect on what it was like continuing my education during a pandemic. I give it a 0/10, would not recommend. Aside from studying for my comprehensive exam, I was taking a full course load. Out of the three courses I was enrolled in, two of them were pretty interesting.
One of my professors was doing the most, let's call them Dr. M. Dr. M had us taking a quiz every week, posting to the discussion board and replying to it, in addition to the weekly homework assignments. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware of how challenging graduate programs are with the course work, but at what point does a professor realize that some of this stuff is busy work, Exhibit A: Discussion boards. Because we all post the same thing in different variations anyway! They also assigned us a project for the semester that was split into four parts, which I appreciate. But what I don't appreciate is Dr. M taking 10 years to grade assignments. For example, we submitted part two of the project in early October and did not get any feedback until 5 days before part three was due. Or my personal favorite, we didn't get feedback for part two until 2 days before part four was due which was putting all the parts together. C'mon Dr. M, you're obviously overwhelmed with grading, why not just eliminate more than a couple of assignments? Dr. M also had us taking tests via Lockdown Browser with the camera on. 🙄 Anyways, Dr. W was probably my favorite. Their lectures were always entertaining and they were very understanding without even being prompted. Dr, W noticed that our first exam was scheduled around the date of the first comprehensive exam and rescheduled it. Eventually they gave up and we didn't have that exam, we only had a final exam. Then there was Dr. Z, who was pretty chill. They never really emailed us unless it was to send out an exam or to inform us of when the homework was due. We did have a few discussion boards, but it wasn't as extensive as Dr. M's course.
Another downfall of this semester was the disconnect between the professors and the teaching assistants. I was assigned to three courses and scheduled for tutoring for two hours twice a week. One of the professors gave me the option to attend the class via Zoom, but I didn't because it wouldn't have been a good use of my time. Another professor told me they'd reach out to me with tasks that I could do and never followed back up. The last professor gave me one assignment to grade, which I did and then they never followed up to give me something else to do. As for tutoring, I did have some regulars, but eventually they dwindled and it was just me looking at myself on Zoom for 4 hours every week. I did take on tutoring one student outside of my TA responsibilities once or twice a week for most of the semester. It gave me a chance to refine my lower level math skills, teach, and make some extra cash. The student emailed me recently letting me know that before we started our tutoring sessions, they had been failing and that with my help they finished the course with a C+. I'm super proud of helping them make improvements!
Overall, this semester was pretty tough, I had many moment of tears and frustration. I'm not totally against online learning. In fact, for two of the three courses, I think it was perfect aside from the busy work Dr. M had us doing. Thanks to Zoom, I was still able to collaborate with one of my classmates regularly and I found a co-working community that I work with 2-3 times a week. I think the biggest takeaway from this semester for me is that there is a major lack of compassion from some professors. They don't extend the same grace to their students that they offer themselves and it's very frustrating.
If you got this far in the blog, thank you for sticking with me. I appreciate you! One last thing, I've also spent a good chunk of the last couple of months preparing to apply to math PhD programs, so send some prayers, well wishes and love my way. And if you're feeling generous this holiday season, feel free to pay for an application fee, transcript, etc. cuz it ain't cheap to apply. 🤦🏾♀️
✌🏾& Blessings
Comments
Post a Comment