Grad School: The PhD Edition - Year 1

I'm back y'all. After such a long hiatus, I have pondered long and hard about what to talk about. So much has happened since my last post. I moved across the country (again), loc'd my hair, started the #JourneytoDrJ as a PhD student at Washington University in St. Louis, fell in love. SO MUCH! I decided to tell you about the first year of my #JourneytoDrJ. 

Me, joyful, at the beginning of fall semester totally unaware of what chaos would ensue

The journey began in August. I was bright-eyed and bushy tailed on the first day of classes and it might've lasted throughout the first week. After I realized that I didn't know anything, I wondered what the hell I signed myself up for. It was not lost on me that I was the only Black woman in my cohort and that my journey would look very different from that of my cohort members. For a while, I pushed that notion aside and hyped myself up because ya girl has a WHOLE master's degree in applied math. But that wasn't enough. 

I took three courses during fall semester and four during the spring. My classes during the fall were the following: 

• Introduction to Analysis
• Algebra I
• Complex Analysis I

And in the spring:

• Introduction to Lebesgue Integration
• Linear Algebra
• Algebra II
• Teaching Seminar

Now, three out of seven of those are upper level undergraduate courses. I'm not even going to hold y'all but those courses felt just as difficult as some of the courses I took in my master's program. The other four courses are graduate level courses, of which three are qualifying courses. Qualifying courses are an important part of the PhD process. These are courses I have to take and pass, I also have to pass the final exam of these courses to satisfy the qualifying exams requirement of the PhD. Now when I say pass these classes and exams, I mean achieve a B or above and A- (or whatever the professor decides) respectively. 

This looks like Complex Analysis?

Some of you may remember a previous post when I talked about failing my comprehensive exam on the first take. Well, last fall I failed two qualifying exams, one of which resulted in me failing the class. I was devastated. My self-doubt creeped in and I started questioning if I was built for this because I for damn sure wasn't prepared for it. How could I have have failed? I studied. I attended office hours weekly. My professor for Complex Analysis even set me up with a tutor that I met with twice a week. I collaborated with classmates. But it wasn't enough. 

Although, I'm familiar with math and failure, nothing prepared me for this. My undergraduate courses and gradate courses did not prepare me for this. This was and still is tough. I can't say I was completely clueless about what I was learning though, because it wasn't just that. I experience test anxiety, so much so that it causes me to freeze on exams and the math I do know is no longer accessible. In fact, this wasn't the first or the last time it happened. 

As I continued to process what happened, I communicated with my faculty mentor and classmates about what the spring semester would look like for me. I opted to drop Complex Analysis II and pick up Linear Algebra. Even though this decision greatly impacts what year 2 of #JourneytoDrJ looks like, I rediscovered my excitement for learning math and rebuilt my confidence. 

In the spring semester, I failed exams again. However, with the help of my therapist, I found helpful coping mechanisms that worked more often than not. I also found comfort in sharing my difficulties with some of my professors, one of which I met with almost weekly during the second half of the semester. Often times, he would answer questions about the course and other times he would share tidbits of wisdom he learned during his days as a PhD student. 

Me working hard in my home office

Spring semester went a lot better than fall. I was able to find balance between school and life that was good for me socially, emotionally and academically. I passed all my classes which helped my cumulative GPA. At the end of May, I had a retake for my Algebra I qualifying exam and passed! 

This first year has been a whirlwind, so I am looking forward to the downtime I have this summer to rest, reflect, and rediscover who I am as a Mathematician. 

Until next time. 

Peace & Blessings ✌🏾

Me posing in the beautiful fall scene 

One of the pathways on campus I used almost daily

Me at the Justice Sotomayor conversation with Chancellor Martin