Am I an Imposter?

In a post from Harvard Business Review, imposter syndrome is defined as "a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success." It also says " 'Imposters' suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence."

Imposter syndrome is something that I have been dealing with this summer (if I'm keeping it 💯I've probably been dealing with it since my higher education career began) during my internship. This was my first ever internship and my first research experience. I didn't have all the courses or even any experience in the topic of my research, but somehow I was still selected for this opportunity. Leading up to it, my anxiety around starting my internship was heightened because instead of working on site, I was now working from home. I had thoughts like the following:

• What if they don't think I'm smart enough? 
• What if they get annoyed with having to explain everything to me? 
• What if I got in over my head? 
• What if I answer their questions wrong? 

The list of 'what ifs' could go on forever. Leading up to the start date, my friends were checking in with me to see how I felt about the internship. I was honest about my feelings and they validated and affirmed me. Their words reminded me that I was worthy of this opportunity and that I was capable of fulfilling whatever tasks I would be given. This was refreshing and appreciated, but it wasn't quite enough. 

I spent the first two weeks of my internship learning. I learned how devastating of a storm Hurricane Florence (2018) was to the coastline of the Carolinas. I spent time learning how to use the appropriate commands for UNIX and set up hurricane simulations in the program we were using. I asked questions when I needed clarity and watched many a zoom recordings to assist in completing the tasks that were asked of me. 

As I got further into the ten week program, I had learned a lot. I was completing tasks on my own without having to ask questions for guidance. I was pretty much self sufficient after being walked through a task a couple of times. I would ask questions when I needed to and state when I had a clear understanding of what was going on. I provided my advisor with my results from my simulations and an explanation and answer her questions based on what had been explained to me. However, it didn't seem like it was enough. 

I was often questioned about the steps I took to do 'abc' and 'xyz'. In the beginning this was fine because this was all new to me. But once we had reached weeks six, seven and eight of a ten week internship it started to bother me. I started questioning my abilities again and triple checking my work because it seemed as though my advisor and sometimes even my teammate didn't trust that I had carried out my tasks correctly. I had to continuously share my screen so they could watch me do what I had done twenty some odd times before on my own, with no issue. 

Ultimately, I learned a lot about myself and hurricanes this summer, which is great. However, I haven't quite mastered how to deal with my imposter syndrome. As I mentioned earlier, I've really dealt with it during different times in my life, from my undergraduate career, to the four years I worked in higher education, and now while in graduate school. Unfortunately, it seems like a continuous cycle and I'm trying to navigate how to work through it. 

I know I'm not the first nor will I be the last to deal with imposter syndrome. So I want to hear from folk who have or are currently working through it. Is imposter syndrome something you have dealt with or are dealing with? How did/do you manage it? Let me know in the comments below. 

✌🏾and blessings