Grief, Pt. 2
This time five years ago I was mentally preparing myself to travel from Chicago to St. Louis to attend the homegoing services for my aunt. This was my second encounter with death in my family. I can't say I was expecting it. Her sickness came as a surprise to me and within a matter of days she was gone. The difference between this loss and that of my uncle is that I was actively in school. My uncle passed weeks before my second year of undergrad while my aunt passed in my final semester of undergrad.
Dealing with death, loss, and grief at any time is hard, no doubt, but dealing with it while trying to finish school was harder in my opinion. I had plans to attend a retreat the same weekend my aunt's services were scheduled and needless to say I didn't end up going. I took the train home with someone who is now one of my best friends and attended my aunt's funeral. The weekend is such a blur now. All I remember is watching my little cousins eat jelly biscuits to make sure they didn't stain their dresses, crying, taking pictures and cracking jokes with my cousins, and being careful not to stand on my uncle's grave as we lay my aunt next to him in her final resting place. That day was the only day I physically had with my family during this time. I left the next morning.
The weekend went by in a blink and I was back on campus Sunday evening. I don't remember what I could've been doing, but I was likely preparing for the week ahead. I jumped right back into classes, schoolwork, fulfilling my duties as a resident assistant and my other paid responsibilities. It was as if my reality was different. I became obsessed with getting everything done and being everything for everyone around me that I cared for that I wasn't paying attention to me and what was going on. I felt like I had to push aside my grief and all that comes with it so that I could get this degree. I believe I did it because that's what she would've wanted for me. Now that I think about it, I do remember someone telling me, "She was proud of you, so proud." Similar words were said to me after my uncle died and whew what a nerve it hit in both 2012 and 2015, and even now.
In all honesty, I really wasn't trying to deal with the grief because I knew how much losing my uncle took out of me. And in my mind, I really didn't have the time for all the crying, anger, and other emotions that consume you during the grieving process. I pretended to be okay and do the things that felt like my normal and even some things that took me out my normal. But my friends saw right through me and ultimately convinced me to talk to someone. This wasn't my first go round with therapy, so I wasn't too resistant. I think this is when I was really convinced that grief isn't something you just get over. It's just something you have to live with.
I think about my aunt often, we have a song, "The Storm is Over Now" by Kirk Franklin and God's Property. When I would spend Saturday nights with her, we would go to church on Sunday and we would listen to that song on the way there and on the way to Sunday dinner at Granny's afterwards. I'm about to age myself, but I'm pretty sure it was just that song on a cassette tape that we'd pop in the cassette player. I can hear her asking me if I'm tired of this song, and after all these years, no I'm not. It's the song I listened to repeatedly after her death because it reminded me of the little moments we shared together all those times. It's the song that still comforts me when I am overcome with grief.
I'm going to be real about something real quick. During my grieving process, I was angry with God for obvious reasons. I made peace with it eventually, and my anger transformed into gratitude. I am grateful that my aunt and my mama crossed paths 20 some-odd years ago. I am grateful that my aunt offered up my Granny to babysit. I am grateful that this encounter led to me having a bonus family. If you don't know me like that, then you're probably confused. But this aunt is one of those aunts that's your mama's friend and you call her aunt so-and-so. My aunt's spirit lives on in the relationships I have with my bonus Granny, aunts, uncles, and cousins. And I'm forever grateful for having had her for the first 21 years of my life. 💓
Dealing with death, loss, and grief at any time is hard, no doubt, but dealing with it while trying to finish school was harder in my opinion. I had plans to attend a retreat the same weekend my aunt's services were scheduled and needless to say I didn't end up going. I took the train home with someone who is now one of my best friends and attended my aunt's funeral. The weekend is such a blur now. All I remember is watching my little cousins eat jelly biscuits to make sure they didn't stain their dresses, crying, taking pictures and cracking jokes with my cousins, and being careful not to stand on my uncle's grave as we lay my aunt next to him in her final resting place. That day was the only day I physically had with my family during this time. I left the next morning.
The weekend went by in a blink and I was back on campus Sunday evening. I don't remember what I could've been doing, but I was likely preparing for the week ahead. I jumped right back into classes, schoolwork, fulfilling my duties as a resident assistant and my other paid responsibilities. It was as if my reality was different. I became obsessed with getting everything done and being everything for everyone around me that I cared for that I wasn't paying attention to me and what was going on. I felt like I had to push aside my grief and all that comes with it so that I could get this degree. I believe I did it because that's what she would've wanted for me. Now that I think about it, I do remember someone telling me, "She was proud of you, so proud." Similar words were said to me after my uncle died and whew what a nerve it hit in both 2012 and 2015, and even now.
In all honesty, I really wasn't trying to deal with the grief because I knew how much losing my uncle took out of me. And in my mind, I really didn't have the time for all the crying, anger, and other emotions that consume you during the grieving process. I pretended to be okay and do the things that felt like my normal and even some things that took me out my normal. But my friends saw right through me and ultimately convinced me to talk to someone. This wasn't my first go round with therapy, so I wasn't too resistant. I think this is when I was really convinced that grief isn't something you just get over. It's just something you have to live with.
I think about my aunt often, we have a song, "The Storm is Over Now" by Kirk Franklin and God's Property. When I would spend Saturday nights with her, we would go to church on Sunday and we would listen to that song on the way there and on the way to Sunday dinner at Granny's afterwards. I'm about to age myself, but I'm pretty sure it was just that song on a cassette tape that we'd pop in the cassette player. I can hear her asking me if I'm tired of this song, and after all these years, no I'm not. It's the song I listened to repeatedly after her death because it reminded me of the little moments we shared together all those times. It's the song that still comforts me when I am overcome with grief.
I'm going to be real about something real quick. During my grieving process, I was angry with God for obvious reasons. I made peace with it eventually, and my anger transformed into gratitude. I am grateful that my aunt and my mama crossed paths 20 some-odd years ago. I am grateful that my aunt offered up my Granny to babysit. I am grateful that this encounter led to me having a bonus family. If you don't know me like that, then you're probably confused. But this aunt is one of those aunts that's your mama's friend and you call her aunt so-and-so. My aunt's spirit lives on in the relationships I have with my bonus Granny, aunts, uncles, and cousins. And I'm forever grateful for having had her for the first 21 years of my life. 💓
We (me and one of my teens) appreciate your transparency and strength. She just lost month someone last month and was really down herself for "ignoring her emotions" by filling her time with other things. She also said she wasn't sure if faith was for her and after reading this she doesn't feel as alone.
ReplyDeleteThis is her typing now
"Hi, I'm in Miss Nia's program and she has been with me since I lost my sister but this helps me so much more than anything. I appreciated her trying to help but I felt like she didn't understand all the way. Then we were on her Twitter and I saw your tweet and asked who you were and she said I could read the blog. Thanks so much. I'm crying but not completely out of anger, but because somebody gets it. Your tweet was right on time!"
I'm so glad this resonated with you. Grief and loss is hard, but you will get through.
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