Dating featuring Casper the Friendly Ghost
Dating.
By definition, to date some one means to go out with someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested.
Since moving to North Carolina, I've attempted to jump into the dating game. At 26, I have had only one relationship that I would label as a serious one. I haven't had much success in casual dating, but as I navigate the mess, I'm learning plenty.
It seems that most relationships, platonic and romantic are born out of proximity. For example, you make friends in college but after college a number of those friendships end when you graduate or leave the institution. These relationships are easy to birth because you have classes with these people, work together, involved in the same organizations, the list goes on. Once you leave that bubble, life sort of smacks you upside your head and relationships take the back seat because now you're focused on survival.
Now, I'm not sure about anyone else, but I don't recall ever having a serious conversation with my mama or any respected adult in my life about dating, like serious and intentional dating. There's no real conversation about how to put yourself out there to be seen or to get out there to go seek. So I'm basically learning through experience. In my attempts at dating, I have succumb to the dreaded dating apps. I've tried a couple of the popular ones, Tinder and Bumble. And I've gotten some bites, been on a few dates, but nothing more has come from it. Through casual conversations with peers and my own personal encounters, I have concluded that most people on these apps are just looking for a hookup. And that's fine! Every once in a while, I'll come across someone whose profile states that their looking for a relationship and I later found out that was a lie. They were in fact looking for a jump off.
It seems that no one wants to be honest about what they want which makes dating TRASH. I'm personally not a fan of this dishonesty. I have a hard time understanding what the harm is in being honest about what you want. If you're looking for a casual sex partner, say that! It's 2019, folks are having consensual sex at their leisure. So there's plenty of people willing to give you what you're looking for with no strings attached. If you don't know what you want right now and are open to the possibility of a romantic relationship flourishing, let the people know! You're likely to find an understanding soul to match where you are.
When I finally match with a man, the next step is chatting via the app and if the conversation is good enough it can escalate to texting or phone conversations. I'll admit, most of my matches die in the app because the conversational skills are severely lacking on their end. If we're on Bumble, I start the conversation because it's known for requiring women to make the first move. Now, I'm going to let you all know that my pick up lines are a hit, I rarely miss. 😉 After my first move, they're given 24 hours to respond. Most times I get a response, but every so often that time will expire without them having responded and that match disappears. When they do respond, we get into the typical get to know you questions. My number one questions is "What brings you to Bumble?" or some variation of that so that I can gauge what their intentions are early on before wasting time and energy. If our intentions don't align, this is where that unmatch feature comes in handy. If our intentions do align, but as time goes on the conversation begins to fizzle or I sense a lack of interest and/or effort, I'll use that unmatch feature with the quickness. I'm not here for carrying a conversation between two adults alone. If our intentions align and the conversation is of quality, it eventually leads to a date.
Now, when I go out on these dates with these randoms, I let my girls know. I send my location to 3-5 of my closest friends and try to check in with them throughout the date. If our location changes, I make sure to update my friends. The dates are cool, nothing super spectacular honestly. The dates are in a public setting and usually in an environment that allows us to converse and get to know one another in a way that talking on the phone or texting doesn't allow. Now, I usually end the date feeling like it was pretty good because the conversation and chemistry was good. There have been times when the date wasn't bad, but the attraction wasn't there. And that's okay! In these cases, it's either been mutual and we leave it at that or there's a discussion about becoming friends. Now, I'm not sure if men do this to lessen the blow to the ego, but as for me, we don't have to be friends. I'd rather take that L, than you offer to be friends and then you disappear into thin air.
Speaking of disappearing into thin air, have you ever been ghosted? Or done the ghosting? If you're new to this term, here's the Google definition, ghosting is "the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication." This is the part about dating that bothers me the most. I have in fact been ghosted, more times than I'd like to admit. And honestly it's frustrating at first. It feels like a stab at my ego, especially when the feelings seem mutual and things are going well. Again, I'd rather a man be upfront with me about what he does and doesn't want, than lead me on to believe it's all gravy and then ghost me. But again, that's me. As a woman who tries to be transparent and honest about how I'm feeling, I'd give people that out of genuine respect for someone as a human being.
With all that's transpired in the past couple of months in my dating adventures, I have learned some things about myself. I have a type, physically, I always knew I had a type, but very recently it's evolved. I won't bore you with the details of what I am looking for my future partner to look like, but let's just say if you ever heard my mama tell the story about toddler me and the random mailman, you know my type. 😆 Through conversations with these men, I've come across qualities in them that don't align with what I desire in a lifetime partner. Things like problematic mindsets, unhealed trauma, lack of self-awareness are just a few of those qualities.
Needless to say, I haven't found the one on these apps, shoot, I haven't even found anyone to like for longer than a week. But despite my previous failed matches, I'm still trying. Very recently I've come across a gentleman who, for now, seems worth the effort. So much so that I shot my shot and asked him out on a date. Now I was nervous in taking this shot because this was my first time putting myself out there like that and rejection leads to a bruised ego, but I went ahead and did so. The vibes were right and interest was mutual so this young tender said yes. So now your girl is 100% from the field. 😂 We'll see how this date goes...
I'm sure that there are some people that share my sentiments about dating. It's exhausting to constantly put yourself out there and not find what you're looking for. It's frustrating to have found someone who displays mutual interest and then disappears like Casper. But these things just seem to be part of the journey to finding the one or maybe even just finding yourself. I'm still figuring this out and even though it hasn't been the smoothest of rides, at least I can say I'm learning along the way. I'm curious to know if others share these experiences or have had success in this age of dating. Can you relate to my experiences? Have you had any success with casual dating? On or off the dating apps? Share your thoughts or experiences in the comments below.
By definition, to date some one means to go out with someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested.
Since moving to North Carolina, I've attempted to jump into the dating game. At 26, I have had only one relationship that I would label as a serious one. I haven't had much success in casual dating, but as I navigate the mess, I'm learning plenty.
It seems that most relationships, platonic and romantic are born out of proximity. For example, you make friends in college but after college a number of those friendships end when you graduate or leave the institution. These relationships are easy to birth because you have classes with these people, work together, involved in the same organizations, the list goes on. Once you leave that bubble, life sort of smacks you upside your head and relationships take the back seat because now you're focused on survival.
Now, I'm not sure about anyone else, but I don't recall ever having a serious conversation with my mama or any respected adult in my life about dating, like serious and intentional dating. There's no real conversation about how to put yourself out there to be seen or to get out there to go seek. So I'm basically learning through experience. In my attempts at dating, I have succumb to the dreaded dating apps. I've tried a couple of the popular ones, Tinder and Bumble. And I've gotten some bites, been on a few dates, but nothing more has come from it. Through casual conversations with peers and my own personal encounters, I have concluded that most people on these apps are just looking for a hookup. And that's fine! Every once in a while, I'll come across someone whose profile states that their looking for a relationship and I later found out that was a lie. They were in fact looking for a jump off.
It seems that no one wants to be honest about what they want which makes dating TRASH. I'm personally not a fan of this dishonesty. I have a hard time understanding what the harm is in being honest about what you want. If you're looking for a casual sex partner, say that! It's 2019, folks are having consensual sex at their leisure. So there's plenty of people willing to give you what you're looking for with no strings attached. If you don't know what you want right now and are open to the possibility of a romantic relationship flourishing, let the people know! You're likely to find an understanding soul to match where you are.
When I finally match with a man, the next step is chatting via the app and if the conversation is good enough it can escalate to texting or phone conversations. I'll admit, most of my matches die in the app because the conversational skills are severely lacking on their end. If we're on Bumble, I start the conversation because it's known for requiring women to make the first move. Now, I'm going to let you all know that my pick up lines are a hit, I rarely miss. 😉 After my first move, they're given 24 hours to respond. Most times I get a response, but every so often that time will expire without them having responded and that match disappears. When they do respond, we get into the typical get to know you questions. My number one questions is "What brings you to Bumble?" or some variation of that so that I can gauge what their intentions are early on before wasting time and energy. If our intentions don't align, this is where that unmatch feature comes in handy. If our intentions do align, but as time goes on the conversation begins to fizzle or I sense a lack of interest and/or effort, I'll use that unmatch feature with the quickness. I'm not here for carrying a conversation between two adults alone. If our intentions align and the conversation is of quality, it eventually leads to a date.
Now, when I go out on these dates with these randoms, I let my girls know. I send my location to 3-5 of my closest friends and try to check in with them throughout the date. If our location changes, I make sure to update my friends. The dates are cool, nothing super spectacular honestly. The dates are in a public setting and usually in an environment that allows us to converse and get to know one another in a way that talking on the phone or texting doesn't allow. Now, I usually end the date feeling like it was pretty good because the conversation and chemistry was good. There have been times when the date wasn't bad, but the attraction wasn't there. And that's okay! In these cases, it's either been mutual and we leave it at that or there's a discussion about becoming friends. Now, I'm not sure if men do this to lessen the blow to the ego, but as for me, we don't have to be friends. I'd rather take that L, than you offer to be friends and then you disappear into thin air.
Speaking of disappearing into thin air, have you ever been ghosted? Or done the ghosting? If you're new to this term, here's the Google definition, ghosting is "the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication." This is the part about dating that bothers me the most. I have in fact been ghosted, more times than I'd like to admit. And honestly it's frustrating at first. It feels like a stab at my ego, especially when the feelings seem mutual and things are going well. Again, I'd rather a man be upfront with me about what he does and doesn't want, than lead me on to believe it's all gravy and then ghost me. But again, that's me. As a woman who tries to be transparent and honest about how I'm feeling, I'd give people that out of genuine respect for someone as a human being.
With all that's transpired in the past couple of months in my dating adventures, I have learned some things about myself. I have a type, physically, I always knew I had a type, but very recently it's evolved. I won't bore you with the details of what I am looking for my future partner to look like, but let's just say if you ever heard my mama tell the story about toddler me and the random mailman, you know my type. 😆 Through conversations with these men, I've come across qualities in them that don't align with what I desire in a lifetime partner. Things like problematic mindsets, unhealed trauma, lack of self-awareness are just a few of those qualities.
Needless to say, I haven't found the one on these apps, shoot, I haven't even found anyone to like for longer than a week. But despite my previous failed matches, I'm still trying. Very recently I've come across a gentleman who, for now, seems worth the effort. So much so that I shot my shot and asked him out on a date. Now I was nervous in taking this shot because this was my first time putting myself out there like that and rejection leads to a bruised ego, but I went ahead and did so. The vibes were right and interest was mutual so this young tender said yes. So now your girl is 100% from the field. 😂 We'll see how this date goes...
I'm sure that there are some people that share my sentiments about dating. It's exhausting to constantly put yourself out there and not find what you're looking for. It's frustrating to have found someone who displays mutual interest and then disappears like Casper. But these things just seem to be part of the journey to finding the one or maybe even just finding yourself. I'm still figuring this out and even though it hasn't been the smoothest of rides, at least I can say I'm learning along the way. I'm curious to know if others share these experiences or have had success in this age of dating. Can you relate to my experiences? Have you had any success with casual dating? On or off the dating apps? Share your thoughts or experiences in the comments below.
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