Hair

Hair. Hurr. 😂

Google says that hair is any of the threadlike strands growing from the skin of humans, mammals, and some other animals. Also, hairs collectively, especially those growing on a person's head.

I have a complex relationship with my hair. I think most women do, especially Black women. My earliest memories of my disdain for my hair are sitting at the stove in front of my mother while she took a hot comb through my kinky, coily hair. This process was THE WORST. For those of you reading this that don't know what a hot comb is, here's the definition. My memories may be a little fuzzy, but I think this was a weekly routine, getting my hair straightened on Sunday evenings so my hair wouldn't have to be done throughout the week. I'm pretty sure my granny played a part in this too, bumping my ends Sunday morning before church. I wasn't a fan of this, but as a child how are you supposed to tell you granny no? You don't!

Maybe this will help you get the picture. Somehow I always ended up looking like James Brown in my school pictures.  😳

I don't really remember when I got my first relaxer but a relaxer is a more permanent way of straightening the hair. Relaxers are not for me and I learned this very early on, like at the tender age of 11. I didn't really know how to take care of my hair in that form, or any form and it really showed. I remember right before starting middle school, my hair was so bad my mama took the clippers and shaved it all off (the dead hair that is). 😭 Talk about a traumatic experience. Middle school is already terrifying (for what it is), but going to middle school bald headed made it even worse. I also got a texturizer paired with this cut. I assume it was because I didn't want to look like "a little boy".

Eventually, my hair grew back and I stayed natural for some time. I learned more about how to style my hair, but not necessarily how to take care of it. At that time, my go to style was 2 strand twists. I very rarely wore my hair in it's complete natural state. There was always some sort of manipulation so that it looked kept. Obviously this was intentional. 

Throughout these years of hair transitions, I internalized the idea that my hair wasn't pretty or presentable in it's natural state. At least that's the message I received from the constant manipulation of my hair by others and eventually myself. Aside from the manipulation of my hair, the negative or degrading comments from my peers and trusted adults also filled my mind and led to the lack of confidence I had in my hair.  Dare I say, because of this I was ashamed to wear my 4c hair out of the comfort of my safe spaces . 

Fast forward to high school, I was still natural and learning about my hair. I was still obsessed with having 'kept' hair so I revisited the hot comb, explored flat irons, and eventually went back to a relaxer around my 16th birthday. 

At this point I was determined to take good care of my hair because I didn't want to be bald headed again. For me being bald headed wasn't cute, because there's so much beauty in long straight hair (insert sarcastic smile).  Well as hard as I tried, my hair still broke off. But still I got one last relaxer right before prom, because duh, it was prom! That was in April of 2011. 

From here I decided (unconsciously, I think) to return to natural hair. Now, there's a couple of ways you can do this. You can do the "big chop", which is cutting off all the processed hair. Or you can transition, which is growing out the relaxer and eventually as your hair grows, you'll cut off the dead ends. Or you can do a combination of both, by chopping off as much as you're comfortable with and growing out the rest. 

I decided to transition for obvious reasons. My transition consisted of me getting twists and waiting for the relaxer to grow out. Braids and twists were a big part of my hair journey, even as a child. But it was in college that I really explored different types of hairstyles, from twists, to bantu knots, to straight hair (Dominican blow out, never again). I even explored braiding my own hair and even though it was cute, let's just say, I'll leave it to the professionals. 

Now let's fast forward to my real adult life. I had more time  to learn about and do my hair and I had even grown to like my natural hair. No more hot combs, or flat irons. Just me, my fifty-eleven hair products, wide tooth comb, and bonnet. I was still learning how to care for my hair, but I had come a long way. My hair texture seemed to have changed over time, products didn't work how they used to and stress had taken it's toll on my hair. But, I was not trying to cut my hair, like not even trim it. Now we all know that trimming our ends is important to maintain healthy hair because no matter how well we're doing with taking care of our hair, split ends are inevitable. I would go months at a time without a good, professional trim, which was more detrimental to the health of my hair. The shears and I were no stranger to one another, but we definitely had become enemies. I believe my animosity towards cutting my hair for any reason at all was a result of the first big chop I'd had right before middle school. I'd had no choice in the matter and it impacted my self-image, self-esteem, etc from then until I was well into my 20s, we're talking a decade of holding on to this baggage. Whew! 

Thanks to one of my bestest friends and her blunt personality, I got over it. I believe her favorite phrase to say to me when it comes to matters of my hair is "It's hair, it'll grow back." She's said this phrase to me a number of times between high school and now. But I didn't really take it to heart until a few of years ago. I got over my opposition for cutting my hair and embraced it. Now it was definitely a process, but I started getting regular trims and even doing them myself. 

Now I embrace cutting my hair! In fact, about a year ago I was inspired to cut my hair. I wasn't just trying to do something simple, I wanted to go all out! Now it took me a few months to build the courage and decide on what I wanted my hair to look like. To be honest, I was scared. I wasn't sure I would look good with what I wanted. And to be honest, the trauma of past haircuts still haunted me. 😔 But with many of conversations and pep talks with friends, I found the courage to do it! 

In October 2018, I got a tapered cut with an infinity design in the back. And color! because red heads have more fun. I think God knew I was already going to be two handfuls so he held back with the red hair, because he knew I definitely wouldn't know how to act. And now, almost a year later, I don't know that I'll ever grow my hair out again. 

I share this because I feel like someone can relate. It's taken a lot of bad haircuts and hairdos for me to get where I am in loving myself and hair. Like any relationship, my hair and I have our ups and downs. There are days where I'm like "Yassss, thank you for cooperating, I love you so much!" And there are other days when I'm like "Ugh, I can do this [redacted] anymore, I'm cutting all this [redacted again] off!" But I can finally say I'm at a place where I fully embrace the kinks in my hair, the shrinkage, and all the complexities that come with my natural hair. My hair is my crown and I've learned to be patient with, take care of and love it the best way I know how. 

I'll give you all my definitions of some of the terms I mentioned above. 

• hot comb - a metal comb that uses heat to straighten hair. In my experience it was put on the stove to heat up and then combed through the hair to straighten it. 
• relaxer - a chemical process that permanently straightens hair. It's reapplied every 6-8 weeks to the new growth 
• texturizer - this loosens the texture of your natural hair, but doesn't completely straighten it, basically making your hair more 'manageable' 

If you have a story to share about your own hair journey, share it with me below in the comments!