Grief

Grief.

By definition it means deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death according to Google.

Seven years ago I learned what grief is first hand. In the wee early morning hours of August 4th, I woke up and noticed the sound of raindrops hitting the windows of my mother's living room. I felt different, like something was wrong but I eventually fell back asleep. A couple hours later, my mama comes and sits on the couch where I lay. I roll over and she proceeds to tell me that my uncle is dead. I don't remember much about this moment. She told me to call my granny, which I do. Now my granny is saved, sanctified and filled with the Holy Spirit as they say. When I call her, she sounds okay, like doesn't sound like she just lost her oldest son to freak car accident. She says something like "It's okay, we're going to trust God."

I didn't really have anything to say this day. I remember crying and writing. I remember going to my grandparents’ house, because that's what you do. You go to the house of the bereaved family in these situations. I remember going to my uncle's house and hugging his wife and sons. I remember laughing with family, because everyone had a funny story about my uncle.

I was 19 years old when I experienced the kind of grief that never really goes away. In the last seven years I have continued to experience this same grief with other losses. In some ways, it's been easier because I know what to expect. There's usually some sense of shock, anger, sadness, a lingering darkness, nostalgia and eventually peace. In other ways, it's been traumatic because I've learned that it's a never-ending cycle. Because just when I think I have it all together, I'll experience the grief of not having my uncle around to grill my future husband or be a witness to any of the major milestones in my life.

I don't really have any takeaways from this. My heart broke when I lost my uncle. He wasn't just my uncle. He was a father figure in my life. He was a protector. He was the man who still saw me as a 6-month-old baby girl despite my being grown lol. He had jokes for days. And I would do anything to have just one more moment with him.